I swear it's true

Queen - We Will Rock You

2012-02-10T15:41:00.000-05:00

A trip to the library

2012-02-10T13:41:00.001-05:00

Thinking a nice stress busting trip to the library to choose a few new books would be nice, off I went this afternoon..

THE CHECK OUT COUNTER

John.... And how are you today Chuckles?

Vietnamese Library Nazi... You put books down with bar code UP!!!

John.... Sorry..

VLN.... Ohhhhhh...

John.... Ohhhhh...

VLN.... You no get books!

John.... Why I no get books?

VLN.... Look! OVERDUE FINES!!!!!!!!!

John.... Yes, I'm..

VLN.... YOU MUST PAY!!!

VLN.... NO BOOK FOR YOU!!!

John.... I pay. You no worry.

VLN.... Ohhhhhhh....

VLN.... SIX DOLLA!!!

John.... Fine, I...

VLN.... You pay NOW!!!

John.... Here you go.

VLN.... Ohhhhhhh..

John.... Ohhhhhh..

VLN.... New books due March 2!!!

VLN.... You understand?

John.... I understand.

VLN.... Ohhhhh..

John.... Ohhhhh....

HEY!!!

2012-02-10T11:49:00.000-05:00

ENOUGH of all this cargo pants/gay/cut-offs crap! And what the hell are poppers??? Plugs? Like, hair plugs? Get this blog back on track or..

YOUR FIRED!!!!!!!

The Grouchy Greek

2012-02-10T11:08:00.000-05:00

The old Greek running the sandwich store down the street will never be known as a beacon of glee. That's just not his nature, and I totally understand that. But his subs are ok, and reasonably priced. And I've never gotten sick from his fare. This morning, he seemed a little grouchier than usual. I was quick to pick up on this and dispensed with the usual banter. Brow furrowed, he slammed my sub together, wrapping it so tight I think I'd better be careful opening it. When I didn't order an over priced chocolate milk to go with my sub, his eyes were afire. There was no doubt that he was in a bad way this morning. Maybe his entire portfolio is stuffed with Greek bonds. I don't know. I just wanted to get the fuck out of there. At that very moment, a scrawny starving high school student burst into the store, seeking nourishment after ditching his lunch in the bin outside. Thing is, he had no money today. Well! Bad day to ask for credit I would say. I got outta there. After doing some work on my retirement strategy next door at the lottery kiosk, I noticed the kid leaving the sub store, sub in hand. I guess the old bastard has a heart after all..

I don't know..

2012-02-10T08:26:00.000-05:00

Cargo shorts are handy as you don't need a back pack for your condoms, lube, poppers, plugs and your Air Supply CD, but they are so GAY! And John, you DO have nice legs.. I've seen you around..Wink wink..

Drive through rant

2012-02-09T13:10:00.000-05:00

Feeling bored, hungry and lazy, it was off to the McDonald's drive through. Placing my order at the speaker, declining the robots generous offerings of up sizing, drinks, etc, I, as instructed, proceeded to the first window and paid. Proceeding to the second window, where there was an arm thrust out holding a small bag, I retrieved my lunch. Before she could slam that window on me, I decided to piss her off and totally disrupt her day by asking for some ketchup. They don't like that. Ketchup? She asked.. Rolling her eyes and sighing, she slammed a packet in my palm and haughtily, I thought, chastised me for not requesting condiments at the FIRST window, like I knew I was supposed to. I explained that I did in fact make that request, but that the girl at that window told me to ask YOU. Heh heh.. I took off. I guess I'll have to use another drive through for a while..

A reader wonders...

2012-02-09T10:38:00.000-05:00

If I own a pair of jean shorts, or as they are frequently known, cut-offs. Of course I do. A couple pair actually, with a nice matching Jethro Bodine belt. I don't often wear them though, as it makes the chicks mental. Frankly, I just tired of being viewed as a sex object. Can I not be admired for my intellect and good table manners? But back to the jean shorts. The men's shorts they sell are gay. Like Cargo Shorts. Pockets everywhere. And they come down to your fucking kneecaps making you look like you just stepped out of a Leave it to Beaver episode. And the colours? Um, beige or brown. Take yer pick. Now, if these shorts aren't gay enough, some have belts already attached to them. I mean it. I've seen them. So I'll wear cut offs. Why not? When it's grossly hot out, I really don't care. I'm told that I have nice legs. For a guy my age. Gee, thanks. I guess that means they aren't skinny stick man hairy knobby kneed protrusions. As for my gut, well, I'm happy to report I'm still down 10 pounds. I'm just waiting for better weather so I can get out there and rip another 10 off. Then I'll be like, buff. Except I'm kinda hairy to be referred to as buff. Maybe some manscaping is in order this Summer..

Zac Brown Band - Toes (Video)

2012-02-07T19:02:00.000-05:00

THIS IS FOR YOU KIMMIE!!!

Buddy Rich Drum Solo

2012-02-07T16:55:00.001-05:00

This will either inspire or piss off every young drummer out there..

The best Super Bowl commercial

2012-02-06T16:36:00.000-05:00

Fucking hilarious!

Super Bowl Monday

2012-02-06T14:34:00.000-05:00

Ok, so my prediction was incorrect. However, had I been right, I wouldn't have been wrong. So fuck off. In the variety store this morning, was a motley looking gang of hung over football fans. You could tell. Without even looking at them. The smell of old booze was overpowering. It brought tears to my eyes. A couple of them even had bed head. But what a reek. Old booze, and judging by the aroma, lots of it, bad breath and sweat. I mean, if you HAVE to haul ass into work hung over, why wouldn't you at least shower and brush your teeth? Surely it would help. A bit. Now don't get me wrong here. I myself have gone into work hungover in the past. I know. Hard to believe. But after a while, I grew tired of that. Especially with my last job where a GOOD day was rotten. A hangover would turn that into a nightmare unimaginable to most. And that bitch I worked for would take an even bigger shit on me if she even suspected I was hanging. So I never gave her that pleasure. But the job still sucked. My guess is today has not been an overly productive day anywhere. Certainly not here, but that is par for the course. And I didn't even drink yesterday as my colon is still cross with me over Fridays indulgence. This aging thing.. It sucks.

Mashed potato rant

2012-02-05T15:24:00.000-05:00

Consider this a public service on behalf of Flashbacksfromanotherplanet. Fuck, that's a long name, isn't it? I made a terrible mistake. For reasons still a mystery to me, I purchased some instant mashed potatoes. So what? Well, they weren't Sheriff or Betty Crocker. Nooooooo. These came in a bag, with an unfamiliar name. What the hell I thought.. They are all the same. Right? I mean, you would think so. A potato is a potato. Dehydrated or not. The cooking instructions were a bit different than what I was used to. With these, you boiled the water AND milk AND butter together. No need to add salt. After boiling this to the point of boiling milk overflowing the pot, I was instructed to dump the contents of the package into the pot. It didn't even say stir it in. Apparently you stir one minute later, after the potatoes have had a chance to set. And set they did. Like Portland Cement. Holy fuck. My wrist was hurting trying to stir that that up. The fucking fork bent. The colour was very much like Poly Filler, except not as white. Consistency was about the same however. How did they taste? Well, I'm pretty sure they could cause a prison riot. But I was starving and ate it anyway. I dread tomorrow morning. I'm not sure how my colon will react to this.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Super Bowl greed

2012-02-05T14:24:00.002-05:00

Makes me wanna puke...

Weather talk with Bob, our roving weather reporter

2012-02-05T14:02:00.000-05:00

John.... So Bob..How about the game?

Bob.... Weather's no game man. It's my life!

John.... No, I mean today's Super Bowl.

Bob.... Oh. New England man. By 6.

John.... How do you know that?

Bob.... I read it some where man.

John.... So what's with this Winter? Like, are we even going to have one? Doesn't look like it.

Bob.... Don't kid yourself man. We are gonna get a shit kicking before it's over. It's gonna be rough.

John.... When?

Bob.... I don't know. But you heard it here first.

John.... Well, thanks for the heads up Bob. Getting ready for the game?

Bob.... Braaaaaaaaaaaaaap!

John.... It doesn't start till 6:30 you know..

Bob.... I'll make it...

Another naked mystery

2012-02-05T12:29:00.000-05:00

So at some point Friday night I retired for the evening, in an upstairs bedroom. I awoke Saturday in a downstairs bedroom. Nothing terribly odd about this actually, except for half of my clothes being scattered about the upstairs bedroom and the remainder downstairs. What was a bit odd was one sock was flung in each bedroom. This suggests an element of intoxication consistent with Friday nights. The scary thing is that I would have had to navigate the killer stairs in a stupor, and in the dark. I'm seriously thinking of getting a baby gate or something. The hangover was expected. But not my cold. WARNING WARNING WARNING!!! RANT AHEAD!!!>>>>
Fuck! When can I ever catch a break? After suffering with busted ribs for about 8 fucking weeks, I come down with a cold. My head feels all fucked up. Hacking. Achy. I HATE THIS SHIT!!! One day. Just ONE FUCKING DAY is all I ask. One day of feeling good. Waking up in the morning feeling great and all raring to go. But no. Today I am in and out of bed and will likely miss the BIG GAME. But so what. I already know the outcome. New England will win by 6 points. You heard it here first.

Pet Shop Boys - What Have I Done To Deserve This

2012-02-03T17:00:00.000-05:00

Cute pic of the day

2012-02-03T16:36:00.000-05:00

Still want that fur coat?

Got my G-1 !!!

2012-02-03T14:41:00.000-05:00

FRIDAY RANTS!!!

2012-02-03T14:05:00.000-05:00

Christ, people piss me off. Take this afternoon for example. Over at the Parking Lot of Death Plaza, a woman was pounding on the door of the Dollar Store. A neatly lettered sign, placed at eye level, indicated that the proprietor would be back in 3 minutes. Now, I know this dollar store. And the owner. The poor bastard is in there 7 days a week, 12 hours or more a day, alone. He never leaves. Eats his lunch there. And dinner I would guess. He's just a poor slob trying to scrape out a miserable living in this mean world. But this bitch didn't care. I guess she was in a hurry to buy something cheap. Her brand new Lexus was parked directly behind her. I was gonna say something to this asshole when the owner suddenly stumbled to the door, still fastening his pants. The more I think of this the more I regret not blasting that mean spirited bitch. I wonder what she bought? Did she haggle with him over the price? Did she demand NO TAX because she was going to pay cash? I've seen it. These are the same people who cheat on their taxes and steal toilet paper from work. Makes me wanna puke. But the cops are busy busting poor people for stealing baby food while Mrs Lexus has her way with everyone. Too bad I was on foot. I could have accidentally backed into her car with my Ford Focus. But the way I drive, she isn't off the hook yet..

Dreamland

2012-02-03T10:59:00.000-05:00

I had a difficult time falling asleep last night which caused me to become a little cranky. What? So, I sure didn't expect a great dream that night. But that is exactly what I got. Wanna hear? Ok, ok... Man she was HOT! Flaming red hair, small pert breasts with nipples like 4H pencil erasers. Nice legs. Pretty face. And horny. I couldn't believe my luck as Gingersnap took me by the hand and led me to the nearest bedroom. She undid her blouse as... Damn! Hang on.. Instant Message from BlogSpot.. Hang on a sec................................................................................. Um, so we had a wonderful evening and I hope to see her again!

And the rodent says...

2012-02-02T16:58:00.000-05:00

EARLY SPRING!!!

Toronto cops are on it!

2012-02-02T15:40:00.001-05:00

Toronto police are deeming a death suspicious after a woman's body was found in a lane way in the Junction area of the city. The body was tightly rolled up in a carpet with the ends sealed up with duct tape.
One could say that she had been shagged, however that would be in poor taste. Police are investigating to determine if foul play was involved. Foul play? Well, I don't know. I mean, sure, it might be a bit unusual, but why jump to conclusions? Maybe it is something quite innocent. But no, the police have now upset the whole neighbourhood..

Breitbart.tv » Obama: Jesus Would Tax The Rich

2012-02-02T15:31:00.000-05:00

Breitbart.tv » Obama: Jesus Would Tax The Rich

Flying People in New York City

2012-02-02T15:17:00.000-05:00

Bath time

2012-02-02T08:44:00.000-05:00

Laying in a nice hot bath this morning, soaking away my aches and pains, my foot inadvertently knocked the black shampoo bottle with the flip up lid into the bath water. Shit. I was about to retrieve it when I noticed it was floating. Upright. It was really cool. I watched it bobbing in the water, thankful for something new to watch bob in the water. I couldn't help but notice how much it resembled a surfaced Russian submarine, conning tower above the waves, hatch open. This is when a submarine is most vulnerable. Quickly grabbing the can of shaving cream, I tested the buoyancy of the attack craft. It did indeed float. The Russian sub had still not noticed the attack craft, an American Destroyer laded out with all sorts of torpedo's, cruise missiles, depth charges and a deadly foam cannon. Stealthily the American snuck up on the sub. Why had their radar not detected him? Or thier sonar? Why had they not even visually noticed the attacking craft? At any rate, the attack craft was in too close for the subs torpedo's to be effective. Letting loose a punishing volley of foam, the sub was smothered and in desperate trouble..

TO BE CONTINUED...

Don't mess with them..

2012-02-01T14:52:00.000-05:00

Casino rant

2012-02-01T12:23:00.000-05:00

Fuck. I have managed to stay out of the casino's for probably about a year, maybe more. I don't know what happened. Suddenly, while in a state of advancing intoxication, I decided a casino run might be in order. I had little resistance from my guests, which was a good thing in that one of them was able to drive. It's amazing how fast you can lose money in those slot machines. I could have limited the damage had I not brought my debit card with me, but naturally I made damn sure I had it. Fuck. Waking up this morning, hungover, I remembered the previous night. Or some of it. I was pissed off, vowing to clamp down on my spending. With that in mind, off I went to the variety store where I purchased just one newspaper, rather than my usual three. Already I was a model of self restraint. Paying for my papers, I eyed the vast array of scratch tickets laid out in front of me in a most enticing fashion. A plan quickly formed inside my aching head. I'd grab a $10 scratch ticket and win back what I lost last night. Damn right. Back home, perched on my American Standard Dual Flush, I began the ritual of scratching my ticket. I figure if I do happen to win a million dollars, I'll be positioned well to handle the surprise. But there was no surprise. Grrrrr.. But perhaps tonight I will win the 649 as I have a year long advance play ticket thing going. So it ain't over yet..

Tripping down memory lane

2012-01-31T12:40:00.001-05:00

So it's a nice warm sunny day. Temperature well above normal. No wind. It was time for a trip down memory lane.. Off to Oakville I went, not quite sure why I was doing it. Inexplicably, I was drawn to my old neighbourhood. It's been 13 years since I have lived there. It looks the same, meaning that it is still rough. Slipping into the parking lot of my old apartment building, I could not help but marvel at how much more run down it was. What a dump. I mean, sure it's an old building, in a shitty area, but still.. I was a bit worried about parking there as all manner of shit has been known to fly over those balconies. But I didn't live there anymore, so it was probably safe. I noted new security cameras installed around the building. For some reason, that made me sad. Walking around the building wondering if someone was actually watching me, I checked the joint out. Although it honestly appeared that they were at least keeping the place tidy and clean, at this point in the buildings age, it was lipstick on a pig. Apparently too, the arena next door is slated for demolition at any time. My bet is the apartment dies along with it and spanking new yuppie coops are installed. I was getting depressed. Going for a quick drive around downtown, I became even more depressed. I had to get out of there. I can't figure out what is bugging me so much about that town. I used to like it. Kinda. But true to form, some asshole swore at me for taking too long to turn at the lights. Then I remembered..

Dwarf tossing uproar

2012-01-30T13:45:00.000-05:00

Here we go again. A strip club in Windsor, Ontario is promoting Dwarf tossing. Residents are up in arms over it. I say, so what? Dwarfs need employment too. And it looks like a fun job anyway. But it makes me wonder.. Are the strippers at this club so rough that Dwarf tossing is viable competition to them? I hope not. Will they have Dwarf strippers? I mean, anything is possible.. It's WINDSOR ferchrissakes. Nobody has a job in Windsor. Not just the Dwarfs. I say, more power to them!

Monday rants

2012-01-30T09:48:00.001-05:00

Know what pisses me off? Everything. Take this morning for example. Off to Tim Horton's I went, craving a coffee and a maple dip donut. I'm not gonna go on about them changing the cup sizes as I don't really give a shit. And unlike the vast majority of dolts in there this morning, I was not in any way confused by the cup size changes. Fucking idiots. And they work somewhere. Someone actually gives these lost souls pay cheques. But getting back to what DID piss me off. Is Tim Horton's so cash strapped that they can't toss a paper napkin in with your take out donut? Eh? Do you have to beg for it? It's like McDonald's. Want condiments? Beg. Cheap bastards. And I'm just not buying whatever horseshit they will spew about their practise of not supplying these items as an environmentally motivated decision. No it isn't. It is a PROFIT motivated decision. People talk about how good Timmie's coffee is. No it isn't. It is mediocre. I know this to be true as I worked at the coffee company that supplied the blend to Horton's. Trust me, there are better blends available. So why do I go to Tim Horton's? Well, a couple of reasons. I HATE those yuppie coffee shops where the yuppie customers sit around looking like cardboard cut outs of up and coming executives or artsy fartsy wannabe artists. Makes me wanna puke. And there is NO WAY I am paying 5 bucks for a cup of coffee no matter how expensive my shoes. Fuck that. This Brava swilling pig is not pretentious. Another thing that I HATE about any coffee shop are the pigs that just can't use their own bathroom. Nooooo. They save it up for Horton's. Or McDonald's. Or wherever. And these guys are usually 300 pound slobs who haven't had a decent dump in days and let 'er rip in the nearest public washroom. The smell could knock you on your ass. And do you think they flush? Jesus Christ that annoys me. Or what about the guys who piss all over the toilet seats? Eh? Think they do that at home? Not bloody likely. The wife would give him one upside the head. That's enough ranting for now. The stock market just opened. Here comes Monday..

'Nuff said..

2012-01-30T07:44:00.000-05:00

Weather update... Back yard eyewitness weather

2012-01-29T15:49:00.000-05:00

It's snowing!

This chick is a screamer!

2012-01-27T16:06:00.000-05:00

Beer Store babe ( con't )

2012-01-27T14:06:00.001-05:00

You know, I hope she's not looking for a relationship or something. I don't really want a girl friend right now. Maybe a FWB.. You know, someone I could play hide the sausage with? With no strings? Yeah.. That would be great. But don't get me wrong, I will likely want a girlfriend or even wife later in life. Someone to change my diaper. Spoon Pablum into me. You know? No, for now it's casual. I do miss my younger days. I always seemed to be having sex. Sometimes with a partner. The odd thing is that even though I'm much older now, I'm still just as horny. Maybe even more so. It's weird. I see Viagra ads and snicker. But how long will this last? Will I wake up one morning with my penis missing in action? Is that how it works? What if I am still horny but my equipment is not functioning? I think that is every guys worst nightmare. It could cause you to become bitter. Cranky even. Maybe even start a blog. Who knows? That's why I will repeat my advice to both men and women alike. Get what you can while you can. Don't let morals get in the way. Free yourself from the shackles of puritanism. Damn straight. I know from which I speak. Although I might have fucked up that line..

New babe at The Beer Store

2012-01-27T12:32:00.000-05:00

Well what a pleasant surprise. Blonde, a few years younger than me but still hot looking, in a sleazy kind of way. Guys know what I mean. Tight jeans holding in a slightly plump, but really nice ass. Camel toe. It was great. As we conducted our business, she kept looking at me weird. I mean, even weirder than most women look at me. It was weird. I didn't know what was going on. Did I have something hanging out of my nose? She was smiling. Even kinda winked at me. What??? I asked. You don't remember me John? she asked. Then it hit me. I used to bang the a...um... hang around with her when we were teenagers. Holy shit! Age was being kinder to her than me. I guess I didn't recognize her as back in our teen days, she was not blonde. That's a strange genetic thing with women, their hair changes colour. Sometimes frequently. Anyway, after some small talk, she suggested we hook up some time. Hook up? What does she mean by that? I hope it is what I think. But probably not. But maybe...

Johnny5 dials it up..

2012-01-26T17:28:00.000-05:00

DIAL DIAL DIAL..................

Recording... Hi there and welcome to the aural sex network. Please enter your credit card number at the sound of the tone... BEEP.

John... Beep beep beep...beep..beep beep beep beep..beep

Recording... Thank you. Please select one of the following.. For Asian, press

John... BEEP!

Recording... One moment please while she slips into something more comfortable..

Kasiko... Arow? What your name, G I Joe?

John... Um, Scott.

Kasiko.... We have fun, ok?

John... Sounds good!

Kasiko... You have pants down G I Joe?

John... All set..

Kasiko... Oooooo... You so big!

John.... Yes..

Kasiko... Let me feel... Ooooooooooooooooh!

John... Ooooooooooooooooooh!

Kasiko... Ooooooooooooooooh!

John... Can we move it along?

Kasiko... You no rike handjob?

John... G I Joe want blowjob..

Kasiko... I suck you like crazy!

John... Ooooooooooooooh...

Kasiko... Ooooooooooooooh...

Kasiko... Slurp slurp slurp..

John.... Oooooooooooooooooooh...

Kasiko... You rike?

John... I rike!

Kasiko... Slurp slurp slurp

Kasiko... Time up, G I Joe.. Bye Bye.

John... FUCK!!!

A word from our sponsor

2012-01-26T15:32:00.000-05:00

Jesus Christ!!!

2012-01-26T13:19:00.000-05:00

Fuck! I'm FED UP!!! Goddammit!!! What? Well, actually nothing right now. Just practise. But I'll let you know the minute something does piss me off. Shouldn't be long.

General ranting

2012-01-26T08:49:00.001-05:00

What's with this Web Site? Why so slow loading? WTF? I'm already getting complaints from afar. But how do you give someone shit when they are giving you something free anyway? Fuck. Hopefully some less caring and sensitive bloggers will let them have it and the site will be fixed. But that's not what I want to bitch about. Yesterday, I was feeling pretty good after a great sleep in my old bed. Finishing my chores, I sat down to clear the deck of bills, which while not overdue, were pissing me off just by the fact that they were there. PAID. What a great feeling. Making a nice cup of tea, I noticed movement on the street. Shit! The Mail Girl. Now don't get me wrong, actually I like her. She's kinda cute and very friendly. Talks a lot though if you wind her up. She was on the other side of the street. I watched her warily through the blinds. Was she skipping my house? I prayed. Yes, it looked as if she was. Bonus! For me, NO MAIL is GOOD MAIL. Suddenly she stopped dead in her tracks, shuffling a stack of mail around. She glanced at my house. Then in her bag again. After resorting some mail she spun on her heel and was headed straight for me. I prayed. Up the driveway she came. Fuck! I heard the huge pile land in my box. Fuck! I tried to ignore it. I knew that if I opened that box that no good could come of it. Finishing my tea and taking one last look at the empty spot on my desk where I pile my accounts payable, I slinked over to the mail box. There was a lot of junk mail. I held out some hope. But no. FOUR, count 'em , FOUR new bills. Jesus Christ! Like, is this all life is about? Get up, clean yourself, clean the house and then pay bills? That's it? Over and over and over? Then you die? Needless to say, I'm pissed off. Paying the earlier stack depleted my funds. And this new stack will deplete future funds. I'm getting the feeling that I am not making progress here. Fuck. Maybe I should look for a job. Embrace the yoke of servitude. But that's crazy talk. No, I have quite enough on my plate as it is, what with lotteries, drinking, pornography and this blog..

Soldiers Playing Grenade Hot-Potato?!

2012-01-25T17:14:00.000-05:00

Soldiers Playing Grenade Hot-Potato?!

These Chinese Army guys have too much time on their hands

Happy Birthday?

2012-01-25T17:01:00.000-05:00

So. Miley Cyrus got her boyfriend, Liam a birthday cake. Look at the little tramp. Why, I 'd like to take her over my knee. I mean it!

Goddamnit!!!

2012-01-25T12:33:00.000-05:00

Taking a break, I flipped open the local paper, The Burlington Bugle, to read about the tremendous car explosion the previous day. The story described the total wreckage and subsequent fireball seen up to 14 miles away from the explosion. The story also went on to describe the miracle that occurred, in that the driver, an 86 year old man, was not wearing a seat belt at the time. In this case,not wearing a seat belt apparently saved the mans life in that he was thrown, 150 feet, from the vehicle into someones back yard, landing comfortably upright in a lawn chair. Police describe him as being in good health, although very cranky and not cooperating with the investigation. Oh oh...

Refreshed

2012-01-25T11:43:00.000-05:00

Well, I gotta tell ya, it's been a busy morning here at the lodge. Shopping, laundry, gassing up the car, car wash and various other chores around the house. All this before 11 A.M. What's up? I'll tell you. Last night I slept in my own bed. All night. My big, warm, soft comfy bed with the crisp white sheets and feather duvet. It was awesome. Even the noise in that room didn't bother me too much, save for that DOLT who likes to drive by leaning on his horn like the asshole that he is. I slept like a baby. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm absolutely grateful for the adjustable bed upstairs that saved my ass in my healing process. But the thing is fucking hard. Even with foam toppers. Now that I can flip ( gingerly ) onto my gut again, the old bed is a treat. Somehow, I need to move the old bed upstairs, and move the adjustable bed across the hall. I can't do it. I'm an old cripple. I was thinking maybe some of my poker cronies could help me out, but they are a lazy bunch of bastards who would probably just tell me to go fuck myself. I might stand out on the sidewalk and wait for a couple of strong high school guys who would like to make a quick buck. But they are lazy bastards too. So, this gives me a little project to figure out. But later. Gotta get my meatballs out of the oven and put my clothes in the dryer. Fuck. It never stops..

Just another day

2012-01-24T13:29:00.000-05:00

Unable to scare up any action at Wal Mart, I decided to go look for the old bastard in the Chrysler. After driving around the neighbourhood a few times with no luck, I drove over to his building to scope out the parking lot. Nothing. Where the hell was he? Sick? I made a mental note to get him a card. Lurking near the door to the underground parking, finally the door began to open. I hoped it wasn't old bastard as that would totally fuck up my plan. It wasn't. An old lady in a Buick. Excellent. Quickly sneaking down the ramp before the door shut, I allowed my eyes to adjust to the darkness of the garage before searching for the Chrysler. It didn't take long. Glancing about to ensure the coast was clear, I pulled the tire wrench from under my coat. Quickly popping off his hub caps, I loosened every bolt to the point of being held on by only a few threads. Replacing the caps, I slipped underneath. Whipping out my ice pick, I searched for the brake lines. Suddenly I heard foot steps. Slow, methodical foot steps. And they were headed my way. I froze. The door of the Chrysler creaked open. Fuck! The old bastard! There was nothing I could do but lay still, waiting for him to drive off. Which he did. No doubt to look for ME. I had plans for that bastard. Quickly getting to my feet and brushing myself off, I darted up the ramp before the door shut once again. I had cleverly parked behind an old panel van so old bastard didn't spot my car. I quickly was in pursuit, finding him about four blocks away, just turning on to my street. Prick. Did I have a surprise for him! Screaming up behind him, horn blaring and high beams on, I managed to get his attention. Passing him, I gave him the finger. The race was on. I was surprised how long the race lasted before I noticed his headlights suddenly drop about a foot, followed by a horrible screeching sound of metal on pavement. What I didn't expect was the huge explosion followed by a tremendous fireball blasting skyward. Holy shit! There was a secondary explosion as well for some reason. Satisfied with my work, I fucked off. I knew old bastard wouldn't be a problem anymore..

Stupid people

2012-01-24T10:33:00.000-05:00

Holy fuck. Every day it gets worse. Take this morning for example. In the paper is an article about a restaurant charging $100 for a hot dog. And people are buying. But this is no normal hot dog. Infused in Cognac, you see. I shook my head at the stupidity of some people while scratching my lottery tickets. WTF? Whats wrong with these idiots? Eh? To think the goof that ordered the $100 hot dog stepped over a homeless person on the way into the restaurant makes me want to puke. It really does. At least when I buy lottery tickets I know a portion of the money earned by the lottery goes to charity. And if I keep buying these things, I will need charity. Now, what does Mr. Hot Dog give back? I'll tell you what. A bowel movement after his hot dog. I just can't believe there are assholes like this out there. Ok.. Actually I can. They are everywhere. This planet is crawling with them. Like cock roaches, except more offensive. Fuck it pisses me off. I'm going over to Wal Mart to look for a fight..

That's disgusting!!!

2012-01-23T16:17:00.000-05:00

Yet another new low! You should be ashamed. ASHAMED!!!

The leper song

2012-01-23T15:53:00.000-05:00

The BIG PEE..

2012-01-23T08:39:00.001-05:00

I've certainly had my share of voluminous pee's before, but they were generally caused by excessive beer consumption. That's what was so weird about last night.. I didn't have any reason to expect such a big pee. Had I expected it, I could have planned better, like wearing my bath robe and slippers while standing on that cold ceramic floor in that cold bathroom. It was actually tiring. Snug back in bed, I reflected on the ordeal. This reflection caused memories of my apartment to suddenly haunt me. I remember ( here we go ), my buddy and I were sitting around drinking, which was not at all unusual. Actually, you could set your watch by us. In any case, being drunk and in our 20s ( assholes ) we were always looking for ways to become even bigger assholes. This was getting more and more difficult. But back to the pee. Listening to Bob toss a leak that must have lasted 10 minutes, I came up with an idea sure to endear us to the neighbourhood. My apartment was pretty high up, with a parking lot below. Of course we had done the old water balloon stuff before. It was time to crank it up a notch. I ramped up my beer consumption, filling my bladder to maximum capacity and beyond. It was uncomfortable. Finally, unable to stand it any further, I grabbed that condom in the bathroom and filled it up, almost to the point of bursting. This is critical. You DO NOT want it to burst too early. Tying a knot in it, I carefully carried it to the balcony, Bob right behind me giggling hysterically. The urine was really rolling around in that thing, dangerously so. I got nervous. Not having scoped out a specific target, over the rail it went. We ducked down, peering through the cracks between the balcony panels. The bomb was still in transit. The Superintendent had picked that very fucking moment to be sweeping something up in the parking lot. Now, it didn't clobber him directly. It didn't have to, really. Within minutes, he was at my door, demanding to know if we had thrown it. Yeah right. Like were gonna admit it? That's why he is a Superintendent of a building full of drunk assholes. Sometimes I miss it there. But not often..

The Lawrence Welk Show: Chicken Dance

2012-01-22T16:06:00.000-05:00

Man, did they know how to party!!!

Dream land..

2012-01-22T10:51:00.000-05:00

Holy shit! I don't know what brought on the dream I had last night, but I gotta tell ya.. It was hands down, the dirtiest, most vile orgy one could imagine. Naked bodies everywhere. Lurid sex acts. Whips. Chains. And a budgie. I was shocked. Shocked I tell you! I awoke with a raging erection. I had to pee. Now, normally, I would race back to bed in hopes of catching the end of a dirty dream. And this is exactly what I did. Or attempted to do. Next dream up was very vivid in every detail. But it was all about a place where I used to work. A place I hated. And a boss I despised. WTF? Was this dream some sort of cruel penance for the previous dream? I mean, I have no control over my dreams. If I did, I'd be having sex every night of the week. Like married people do. ( I kill me ) In any case, I awakened early this morning as I had logged about 24 hours sleep. I'm still not used to waking up in that bedroom. Its weird. But I'll get used to it. I wonder whats on tap for tonight's dreams?

Another signal!!!

2012-01-20T14:22:00.000-05:00

I... I seem to be powerless.. The force... It's just too much for me!

Time for..

2012-01-20T13:55:00.000-05:00

FRIDAY RANTS!!!!!!!!!

Well, I just sent a scathing email to the OLG regarding their newest rip-off ticket scam they call Rock, Paper, Scissors. Yeah, just like the old game. They must really be scraping the bottom of the creativity barrel. After I blasted them, I did suggest they hire me. I'm awaiting a response. Anyway, back to " RPS " as they want it to be called as it makes it easier to pronounce for their retailers. The prize structure sucks. You throw 14 against their 14. You have to win at least 6 of the fourteen to even get a free ticket. The more throws you win, the more the payout. In theory. They are not generous with this one. At all. But here is what pisses me off. If you win 6 throws, you get a free ticket. By the way, a ticket costs $3. Ok? Presumably, it would be progressively more difficult to win more throws, therefore, the payouts would rise in accordance to the increasing odds against you winning more throws. Right? So. What happens if you get 7 throws right? Why, you win $3. Which remember, is what a ticket costs. WTF??? What kind of fucking idiot do they think I am? So I got a couple more. Just to make sure. Now, if you win all 14 throws, the prize is a million dollars. Win 14 out of 14? I have more chance of having sex than that. This game sucks. They had better change it or else...

OMG! It's SNOWING!!!

2012-01-19T15:26:00.000-05:00

This pisses me off. EVERY single fucking time we get a few centimeters of snow, the accidents pile up. Like, we are talking about half a fucking inch of snow and everybody panics. And it's BIG NEWS all across the media. Every TV station. Radio. Internet. WARNING!!! WARNING!!! SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jesus Christ. This is Canada for fucks sakes. Never seen snow before? Then go back to Honduras or wherever the hell you are from. But I can't really blame the immigrants totally. A lot of the accidents involve simply dumb, stupid people who continue driving in the snow as if it were a warm summer day. Or their texting. Or on their cell phone. Whatever. It's fucking dangerous out there with all these idiots spinning out. Think of the insurance payouts every time it snows. THAT'S why my insurance is so fucking high..Because of these goofs. Makes my blood boil. I do admit however, a sense of amusement as I drive by these goons wrapped around poles..

Wal Mart rant ( the continuing series )

2012-01-19T12:06:00.000-05:00

Still pissed off over my ordeal with Zeller's, it was off to Wal Mart this morning to purchase a foam mattress pad. Let it never be said that I lack conviction. Well, except.. Never mind. Wal Mart did not let me down. They had a shit load of pads, all types and sizes. I saw what I wanted. Exactly what I wanted. Fourteen bucks. I grabbed it. Damn right I did. This, sadly, is not the first time Zeller's has sent me to Wal Mart. I mean, Zeller's should just provide shuttle bus service over to Wal Mart. The only reasons I go to Zeller's first are that they are closer, and Wal Mart is full of freaks, whereas Zeller's is full of old white people. Speaking of freaks, security was busy shaking down a suspected shoplifter at Wal Mart. A freaky looking bastard too. The suspected shoplifter was no prize either. There was dialogue. Animated at times. Cops were called. Fuck! Why does this shit have to happen when I'M there? I paid for my pad and tucked it under my arm as I went for a 30 yard running pass through security. No alarms. But sometimes those dolts at Wal Mart fuck up and do not disable the security feature on your purchase resulting in a humiliating experience for the former Wal Mart shopper. But this happens at Zeller's too. Pisses me off. But I don't care. I'm looking forward to a comfy sleep tonight on my new $14 foam pad. I might even try it early...

More FAQ's

2012-01-19T08:37:00.000-05:00

Question: I'm thinking of changing kareers but my spelling and grammer aint good. What do you sugest?

Answer: Blogging. Definitly.

Question: Can you really get crabs from a toilet seat?

Answer: Well, not here, however once I had a crack in the seat and sat down on it. I was pretty crabby after that.

Question: Should I get a 6 or 12 string guitar?

Answer: Why not get 2 guitars, with six strings on each? Variety, man.

Question: How safe are those inflatable love dolls?

Answer: Depends on your weight. Always an explosion risk.

Question: Would one of those " fleshlights " be better?

Answer: Too damn tight. But that's just my opinion.

Question: What happened to Bob, your roving weather reporter?

Answer: Bob is on another course.

Suspended concrete balls thwart roof top commuters

2012-01-18T15:14:00.001-05:00

I swear it's true! This is sheer genius. A railway in Jakarta, Indonesia was growing more and more pissed off by all the free loaders riding the roofs of their trains. Suspended from what appear to be soccer goals, are concrete balls on chains. Apparently this solution has been a knock out success. Sheer genius I tell you!

Born to be RILED

2012-01-18T14:57:00.000-05:00

Fuck. Can't I have ONE day, just ONE fucking day without someone or something pissing me off? Eh? Take this morning for example. I needed a cheap foam mattress topper for the adjustable bed in which I am temporarily imprisoned. Somehow, I made room in my busy schedule to travel to Zeller's to grab one. Sure they had them. Although that was a surprise in itself. But the bastards have tripled the price of these things for no apparent reason other than to piss me off. They used to be about 12 bucks. Even less. Now? Fucking $29 all the way up to $150. Here's the scam. The same old cheap yellowing foam has been repackaged as Memory Foam. What a fucking joke. MY memory tells me these EXACT same foam toppers used to be 12 bucks. Or less. Did I buy? Not a fucking chance. And not because I'm cheap. There's a principle here and as everybody knows, I am a very principled person. So fuck 'em. I'll suffer on that hard mattress and probably re break my ribs, but it will be worth it. Bastards. This ordeal has just ruined my day.

Naked News

2012-01-17T08:13:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I blog naked. There. It's out. Although, some of you might not be too surprised by this startling admission. Why this theme this morning? Well, last night I had a recurring dream. Let me explain. I always had the hots for Jane Curtin, particularly years ago when she was on Saturday Night Live. Like, in the friggin 70s. Maybe 80s. I forget. I'm not aging well. I really thought she was HOT but didn't admit this to many people as most of my buddies did not think she was hot. Plain, not hot. But she WAS hot! But back to my dream. Jane used to do a news segment, usually with Chevy Chase. It was hilarious. I don't think anyone, including the producers expected Jane to suddenly pop her top in the middle of the news cast. Bra and all. Well! I damn near shit! I just about popped my cookies in the middle of that news cast. Funny thing is, little was ever made of the incident, unlike 35 years later when everybody is up in arms over a nipple slip on TV. WTF? Why are we so tight assed? What has happened? No wonder everyone walks around scowling. I mean, keeping ones rectum that tightly squeezed at all times just can't be comfortable. I think people need to chill out a bit. Have some fun before it's too late and you regret not having fun when the opportunities had presented themselves. Believe me, the years go by fast. So grab what you can, that's what I say. You too ladies. I NEVER told my buddies about another chick I always thought was hot. Mag Ruffman. You know, the Tool Girl? Oh yeah.. I'd jump that. But my buddies would probably laugh and call me a loser. What do they know? To each their own, I say. Of course, the ultimate threesome would be Jane, Mag and myself. Hang on a sec.. I need a tissue...

Disco break

2012-01-15T13:53:00.000-05:00

Sunday Rant...About Saturday

2012-01-15T11:41:00.000-05:00

Because due to circumstances beyond my control I was unable to blog on Saturday. But speaking of Saturday, it started out really shitty. Laying in bed, I was having a horrible dream that I was trapped, naked, on a giant ice berg in the middle of Nunavut. It was rough. Pulling myself out of my hangover haze, I discovered to my horror that my jeans were thrown in a haphazard manner the previous night, on top of the heat register. I mean, only a fucking idiot would do something so stupid. It was weird, because I was alone. But weird shit happens in this house all the time. Shit that I sometimes can not explain. My little space heater beside the bed had not been switched on either. Or had it been switched off??? Yet another question. So basically, I was laying in that room all night like a slab of beef in a walk in freezer. It occurred to me that a wiser person would get dressed rather than stand about naked and freezing trying to answer questions which may never have an answer. Fortunately the rest of the house was toasty warm, as were my jeans. So things got better. That was until the hangover kicked in full throttle. Back to bed it was. But with jeans hanging on chair.

Best...nap...EVER!

2012-01-13T16:59:00.000-05:00

So it was around 1:30 or 2 on a Friday afternoon. Chores completed, I was bored. Restless. But it was way too early to get into the booze. I needed an Action Plan. So I went down for a nap. But this was to be no ordinary nap as I was able to finally nap on my stomach. With little pain. It was great! And my new bedroom is soooooo quiet. This nap was unlike all my others in that it wasn't a nap filled with frightening weird fucked up nightmares. If you can call them that during the day. I'm not sure. But I don't give a shit anyway, as this nap was filled with happy, erotic dreams. Not filthy dirty dreams. Erotic. Mildly erotic actually. But it was good. 2 hours of blissful slumber to charge my batteries. I'll be a force to be reckoned with this evening at Poker. Bring lots of money you bastards..

FRIDAY RANTS!!!

2012-01-13T13:03:00.000-05:00

So I'm at the Beer Store when this goof I used to work with years ago spots me and just HAS to chat. Fuck! He noticed me flinching a bit when I reached for my beer and I explained that I had injured my ribs 5 weeks ago. 5 WEEKS??? he gasped. He then went on to boast about how he had busted his ribs, legs , arms, cock and fucking tail bone, but was at work the next day, BLAH BLAH BLAH... I remembered what an asshole this guy is. I patiently explained, at a speed at which he could hopefully grasp some of it, that people of lesser intellect have a much higher tolerance to pain. I went on to add that I was somewhat surprised that he even knew that he had injured himself. He gawked at me, unsure of whether or not I had insulted him, or given him a compliment. Being unsure, he suddenly decided he was late for something and bid me goodbye. You see, that is why I enjoy being an obnoxious asshole as I can easily avoid extended periods of social awkwardness. I am able to clear a path by my mere presence. That's why I hope this blog does not become too popular thereby making me famous. I'd hate that. I am a private person. And what of all these donkeys that would be lining up seeking my autograph? Eh? Fuck off. All they want to do is sell that autograph when I'm dead. They want to profit from ME. I think I would counter with the suggestion that THEY give me THEIR autograph, preferably on one of their cheques. Assholes. Piss me off.

Weather and other rants

2012-01-13T09:35:00.000-05:00

As if I'm not in enough misery trying to sleep with injured ribs without the fucking wind, snow, sleet, rain and hail howling outside my bedroom window. There were times it sounded like a freight train whipping past. Jesus Christ. But the night was not without good news. I had ear plugs. But the really great news is that I tried sleeping on my stomach again, and was able to. For an hour or so. This is my natural sleeping position, a position not utilized in 5 fucking weeks. I think it is still a wee bit early so before I flop onto my gut looking for an all night sleep, I might have to approach it carefully, lest I re bust my ribs again, which would piss me off and cause me to create even worse run on sentences. It's amazing how quickly one forgets the simple daily, or in this case, nightly rituals. For example, when rolling over on my gut, I completely forgot to adjust my penis before doing so. Slugger was not happy. After some careful maneuvering, all was well. But I miss my bed. It is softer. And larger. And I miss my expensive pillows as I have to use a cheap flat pillow for the time being. But fuck it. It appears I am on the healing path and might even heal in a reasonable amount of time, unlike other injuries I have suffered that caused me grief far longer than they should have. But enough about injury. Looking at the weather out there, I need to find a way to complete my chores today without injury. The roads look a little icy which means every idiot out there will turn this town into a giant fucking roller derby. So I need to be alert. I'll take a different route to the Beer Store today to throw the old bastard off my scent..

More Wal Mart adventures

2012-01-12T15:52:00.000-05:00

Shopping at Wal Mart this morning, I was amazed how quiet it was in there. Few freaks. I suppose they don't like to go out in the rain. So it was good. I purchased my groceries and sundries without incident and proceeded home, happy about having had such a good outing. Swinging on to my street, I noticed headlights racing up behind me in the gloomy rain and developing fog. Could it be.. FUCK!!! The old bastard in the Chrysler was at it again! Not wanting him to know where I lived, I stepped on the gas and went streaking past my house, the old bastard in hot pursuit. I was getting tired of this shit. Reaching into my glove box, I grabbed my last remaining stick of dynamite. He was approaching quickly. Slowing down suddenly and pulling over, I lit the stick and hurled it through his passenger window, which by happy coincidence was open. I hung a sharp right at the last second and pulled over, waiting for the boom. Nothing. FUCK! The wick must have gone out in the rain! Now I had a real problem. Old bastard was still in the area, no doubt searching for me, but now armed with a stick of dynamite. I hit the gas. He was on me again briefly, but I managed to lose him on another turn. Spotting a moving van ahead, I raced up the ramps into the trailer. I waited. He drove past twice, no doubt confused as to where I disappeared to. The guy in the van was a little pissed off by me parking in his trailer, so reluctantly I reversed out and down the ramp. Old bastard was nowhere to be seen. I made it home undetected, throwing a handy tarp over my car under the car port. I saw him drive past from my living room window. Bastard.

Saloon memories

2012-01-12T13:18:00.001-05:00

You don't see too many good old fashioned bar brawls anymore. Well, maybe in Toronto, but they are more of a shooting than a brawl. I'm talking about bare fisted drunken violence. Back in the 70's, these were common place. At least in the establishments that I frequented. Frequently. Hell, I was in a few brawls myself. I know. Hard to believe. But it wasn't just guys fighting. Occasionally, a couple of girls would get into it. And they weren't just bitch slapping each other either, it would sometimes be an all out fist fight. Now, one thing EVERY guy knew, or would learn, is to NEVER interfere in one of those fights. NEVER. We knew to move to a table a bit further away and keep our beers in our hands while we watched the action. I remember ( here we go ) a couple of chicks got into it at The Halton, a dumpy yet popular bar downtown Oakville. Actually, I knew these babes. Both were pretty solid and known to have a mean streak. I had even had sex with them, however not at the same time unfortunately as that was one of my fantasies. But lets not go there. These babes were plastered. I don't know what was said, but one of them called the other a pig faced whore. Well, I can tell you this. Pig face didn't miss a beat. She pretty much flew over that table, landing in the lap of her antagonist. Right there could have been the start of another one of my fantasies, but instead it became violent. Really violent. We moved back another table. And ordered more beer. The fight was now going full swing. Literally. They were both landing punches that could be heard 10 tables away, which is about where we were by now. Then, it had to happen. Some DUMB guy tried to break it up. Of course, this enraged the fighters to the point of both of them pummelling HIM. A coordinated effort at that. Basically, the guy barely got out alive, staggering out the side door hunched over and bleeding. Had he returned later that evening, he would have seen that the girls had made up and everything was fine. Never trust a woman. Especially a drunk one ;)

A happy camper

2012-01-11T16:28:00.000-05:00

Well, as it turns out, that strange signal was in fact a cry for help. My body and soul were crying out for at least one good solid nights sleep. That in mind, I put together my Action Plan. Partnering with a case of Brava Light, I proceeded to get shit faced. I recall, vaguely, a hockey game being on the TV as well. And I think I had company. Whatever. My goal was to to drink myself into a state of mind numbing slobbering intoxication and then crawl into bed, which I did. Fumbling with the remote, I adjusted the bed into Economy Class position and passed out. For 12 hours. Oh God it was great! Almost worth the hangover. After a shit, shower and shave, it was off to pick up breakfast. That meatball sub on white with extra onions and double cheese hit the spot. After breakfast, I tidied up the kitchen, meaning clearing away empty beer bottles and such. Needless to say, after that I was exhausted. Back to bed for a 3 hour nap. Now, dusk is approaching and I need to get ready for bed. Thank you Brava Light!

I'll tell you what it means

2012-01-10T17:45:00.000-05:00

It means you are getting drunk! On a TUESDAY!!! You never learn, do you? DO YOU???

Up in the sky! A signal!!!

2012-01-10T15:49:00.000-05:00

How very odd.. What could it mean???

OMG!!! Another one!!!

2012-01-10T15:48:00.000-05:00

WTF??

10cc - Art for Art's Sake (Promo Clip)

2012-01-10T14:00:00.000-05:00

The voices in my head

2012-01-10T10:27:00.000-05:00

I often hear people complain that they can not understand some people from other cultures, most notably Chinese, and Indian. Spanish and Italian are sometimes tossed in there as well. These complainers are generally white North Americans. They say if you are not white, your dialect is difficult to decipher. I was thinking about this when suddenly I heard, or thought I heard what sounded like a flock of angry geese near by. Walking down the driveway, as that is where I was having a smoke, I craned my neck to spot the geese. There were no geese, only a couple of older British ladies cackling at one another at the end of their driveway. White British ladies. The similarity between their excited loud cackling, and aggressive geese was astounding. Actually, I spotted a flock of geese divert course when they approached. I wonder why they sound like this? Now, don't get me wrong.. I'm not dissing the British as I am of British background myself. Kinda. Not all British sound like this. As a matter of fact, there are dozens of different British dialects depending on where you live and your station in life. I don't know which particular dialect these hens were engaged in, but certainly, it was not a dialect shared by the Royals. But do they even know what they sound like? I mean, when we talk, we hear a voice that is modified inside our sculls. Other people hear a voice quite differently than what we hear. For example, I know a woman with a fairly high pitched voice, yet she thinks it is pretty normal. In reality, her voice could drill through a cement wall. And does. Particularly when she is angry or excited. I always imagined my voice as being quite nice. Masculine, yet with a mellow radio quality to it. A voice that turns women on. This myth was shattered when I heard an accurate recording of my voice. Higher than I imagined. Even a bit nasal. Just a bit, ok? But back to the chirpers up the street. After about 45 minutes of squawking at one another, one of them jumps in her car to leave. And HONKS to indicate that this really was goodbye. So I blog. Quietly. I can raise shit without raising my voice. And I do..

The Mall Crawl

2012-01-09T14:02:00.000-05:00

Overwhelmed by cabin fever, off I went to the mall. I was bored. Really bored. But NOTHING like the looks of boredom on some sales associates scattered around the mall standing at their kiosks, trinkets neatly arranged and rearranged. Real shiny too. It's hard to describe the looks..Kinda zombie like. Deadly staring into space. What could be going through their minds? It must be similar to prison. Except in prison, there is no pressure to sell something.These kiosks are staffed mainly by young people who no doubt rue their decision to quit school. Actually, manning a sales kiosk for a day should be mandatory in the school curriculum. In one store, I spotted two shoplifters within a few minutes. So even Security is staring deadly into space. Maybe they don't give a shit. WARNING WARNING WARNING!!! >>>>>> RANT AHEAD!!! CAUTION!!! >>> And why should they give a shit? Eh? Look at the shitty job. Shitty hours. Shitty, if any benefits. Pay so low it's really not worth getting out of bed for. Rude customers. Insipid music dripping out of the PA system. What the fuck does an employer expect of these people? My bet is employee's are ripping off ten times more than the shoplifters. Just out of spite. But these cheap fucking bastards, and not just retail employers, pay their people SHIT. So they deserve whatever they get. Can't afford to pay more? Gotta compete? BLAH BLAH BLAH. Horseshit. If you paid more, and treated your staff like human beings, they would stop robbing you. Shrinkage would, um, shrink. More sales. Happier environment means more customers. Happy spending customers. But no. You sit in your office wondering what the fuck is wrong and randomly fire staff for good measure. You are an asshole. Problem is, like most assholes, you are unaware that you are an asshole. Asshole.

Musical interlude

2012-01-08T15:34:00.001-05:00

Rib rant

2012-01-08T10:36:00.000-05:00

I don't care if you're tired of me whining about my ribs. It's my blog and I'll whine if I want to. I hurt. Still. Almost four fucking weeks since I busted them and I'm still in pain. Fuck! There has been some healing, I think, as they at least don't seem to be moving around anymore. But how fucking long does it take??? I googled that. Anywhere from a month to 3 months. Even more if you keep hurting them by doing something bizarre, like sneezing. Or coughing. I know enough not to lift and twist, but try stopping a sneeze. Fuck. Night is the WORST. I only get one decent nights sleep a week, and only because I'm plastered. But then I pay for that sleep with a hangover. How fair is that? I'm still sleeping like I'm on the fucking Greyhound Bus headed for Saskatoon. I desperately want to roll over, flat, on my stomach. The way I normally sleep. But nooooooo. Every time I try that, no matter how carefully, I end up screaming in agony. I'm fed up. Needles to say, all of this is making me very cranky. More so than usual. I wanna kill. I wasn't even out of my fucking bed this morning when I realized I was in a foul mood. And I need to go to the library today. God help anyone that tries to fuck with me. Thank-you.

Time for...

2012-01-06T15:34:00.000-05:00

FRIDAY RANTS!!!

Actually, not a lot to rant about today. Quiet. Strangely so. However, there IS that fucking bath tub tap that's been pissing me off for about 18 months. I was sitting on my American Standard Dual Flush this morning, watching it drip. The tap. I was getting pissed off. Tired of replacing washers to no avail, I knew I needed an Action Plan. Turning off the water first this time, I yanked the valve stem out of that fucker. Or cartridge. Whatever. Off I went to the plumbing store for a replacement. I expected trouble. But the woman there took one look at it and fished an identical replacement out from some bins behind her. I was a little leery. I mean, what does a woman know about plumbing? Eh? I would have rather had an old grey haired guy behind the counter who probably used to hand forge brass fittings over open flame. You know, experienced? I paid her for it and left. Well, it fit. Tap works just fine now. Go figure. $10 and five minutes labour and I had solved that long standing annoyance. So I feel pretty good. I fucking GUARANTEE YOU that if I had called in a plumber, he would have whacked me with a bill for $167.48. Bastards.

FAQ's

2012-01-06T08:01:00.000-05:00

QUESTION: My lawn mower won't start. What should I do?

ANSWER: Case the neighbourhood for an identical model. Make the swap at night.He might be more mechanically inclined than you and would probably welcome the opportunity to work on it.

QUESTION: Can I wear a beret like that guy on MythBusters, or would that be gay?

ANSWER: That would be gay.

QUESTION: My girlfriend says no when I ask for oral sex. What should I do?

ANSWER: First of all, don't EVER ask. Just cram it in. Show her who's boss. Women really like this. But have a shower first. No need to be rude about it.

Hydro rant

2012-01-05T15:55:00.001-05:00

Ok, so I've bitched about this before. But I'll bitch about it again because I can't think of anything else to bitch about at the moment. And I feel like bitching. Our new electricity rate schedule just came into effect as they finally finished installing those 10 zillion dollars worth of smart meters on every fucking house and business. Before, we paid only one high rate, regardless of what time of day it was that we consumed that electricity. Now, the rates are based on time of use, basically a tiered system. The lowest rate possible now is higher than what we used to pay. So, basically, we are being raped. But, we have the opportunity to choose the level of rape.

1) FULL RAPE
Or Peak Period Billing, when we need electricity the most.

2) PARTIAL RAPE
Or Off Peak Billing Period when we still need electricity, but not as much as we have already cooked dinner, etc.

3) SPANKING
Or MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING NIGHT BILLING PERIOD. This is when we would normally be in bed, but instead are up doing laundry because we can't afford to do it earlier.

This new system is being trumpeted as a prudent measure in energy conservation. It will allow us the opportunity to focus more on our consumption habits and make adjustments. Like laundry at 3 AM or stumbling around in the dark. For those of you that do stumble about in the dark, you can use your flashlight to read your electricity bill and be astounded that any savings realized through your sacrifice have been gobbled up by adjusted administration fees, delivery, tax, debt reduction charge, basic monthly charge and so forth. So I can totally see this as a GREEN INITIATIVE of which our Premier so fondly speaks of, eyes glazed over with visions of a flowery clean fresh air future with all day kindergarten. Fuck I hate this shit. I'm looking for a cabin somewhere, OFF THE GRID.

Further random ranting ( con't )

2012-01-05T08:16:00.000-05:00

With this cold snap, I realized how shitty my windows are. Although not the original wood sliders, never the less they are dated. Window technology has advanced quite a bit in 30 years I suspect. But I can't afford new windows right now so I'll just suffer. Suffering is what I do best anyway. Don't get me started about my broken ribs, ok? But speaking of windows, I have an even more annoying window problem in that, like an idiot, I downloaded Microsoft's NEW IE9. I was very happy with IE8. But did I leave well enough alone? Noooo. Fuck. IE9 SUCKS. And they moved the toolbar around in such a manner as to piss me off. So I'm unhappy. Now I just need to recall how to go back. I tried uninstall program, but it doesn't even show up there. I guess I'll have to do a restore or something. In any case, should I be too stupid to correct this, it will be a little project for Grasshopper tomorrow. But back to shaving cream. Sorry, I was a bit tired yesterday and was unable to finish my shaving rant due to a really really crappy nights sleep. Kinda like last nights too. Where the hell was I? Oh yeah. You know whats even worse than shaving cream? Gel. Fuck I hate that stuff. You have to wait for it to foam up. I want immediate results. Some you have to actually stir up in the palm of your hand to work up a lather. Which, incidentally, I'm quite good at but the topic here is shaving, ok? Jesus Christ! Don't you people EVER think of anything other than sex? The worst thing though about a can of shaving gel is that it is absolutely unforgiving when empty. You had better have a spare, cuz there ain't no way you will squeeze another shave out of that can. When it is empty, it stops. Dead. Go ahead and shake it. Won't help. But I refuse to use electric shavers. I hate those. I have had several over the years and they all sucked. They don't shave close enough. The foil splits on them a lot. They go dull fast. You will never find replacement foils, blades or anything else for that piece of shit either. And you have to plug it in. Forget those battery operated things. A dear friend of mine who is an expert in all things battery operated says batteries just don't last. She does concede however that she is unsure of the longevity of batteries under normal use. I could go on. But it's time for my nap..

Hey Mahmoud...

2012-01-04T14:37:00.000-05:00

See ya soon, buddy!

You talking to me?

2012-01-04T14:32:00.000-05:00

Well? Are ya, PUNK???

Now what?

2012-01-04T12:32:00.000-05:00

Go ahead Uncle Sam... Make my day!

Little things that piss me off

2012-01-04T08:14:00.001-05:00

Don't you hate shaving? And what if you are using a dull blade or a cheap Chinese disposable? Eh? It like, pulls and chafes your skin. Leaves tiny clumps of hair sticking out of your cheeks. Sometimes even bleeding. But what really annoys me is the price of razors and razor blades. I'm a cheap ass when it comes to that. I'm not sure why, as I will spend on other things far less critical than shaving without complaint. But I think that's it. Shaving is a necessity. You have no choice really. That's what pisses me off. No option. So, Gillette and those bastards can charge anything they want, knowing we have to buy. It's like tampons. Or pads. Am I right ladies? Eh? And what about baby formula? I hear that shit costs a fortune and babies slug that stuff down like I drink beer. But c'mon ladies.. Formula? Like, isn't that why you were given breasts? Get with the program and quit cutting into the family beer money ferchrissakes. And make your own cloth diapers and wash them out in the garage. But I'm getting off track here. Back to shaving. What about shaving cream? Eh? You need that stuff. At least they haven't jacked that up to six bucks a can. Yet. Unless there is some goofy organic stuff out there that goofy organic people will buy. I always have a back up can in the cupboard. But I fucking HATE when after depressing the dispenser button, thin watery ejaculate spurts out in its last dying gasp. I HATE that! Pisses me off because when I see shaving cream on sale, I can't stock up because they have designed those cans and cream to fail after about 90 days. Or less. Shaving with soap is NOT an option. I hate that too. What about those hairs that grow out of your ears? Ever try to jam a 4 blade super duper ultra fucking wow razor into your ear to rid yourself of these? It doesn't work. Pulling them out with tweezers HURTS. And I hate pain. Yes, there are those little scissors, but when looking in a mirror, when images are fucking backward and upside down, the chances of me successfully attending to the problem without injury is slim. This is where the wife could come in handy. But she won't even breast feed. Think she's gonna do your ears for you???

Wal Mart rant

2012-01-03T12:34:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine visiting me in Burlington years ago remarked on how attractive, generally, the people were here, as I suppose, compared to where he lived, which at the time was Barrie. I suspect that his observation might have had some validity. That doesn't mean that there are no unattractive people in Burlington. You just don't see them out and about too much. That's because they are all at Wal Mart. This got me to thinking.. Are people ugly because they are poor? Or, are ugly people just cheap? Glancing around the parking lot I didn't really notice an abundance of old wrecks. Quite the contrary actually. So, I have to think that ugly people are cheap, but not necessarily poor. My bet is that there are attractive poor people out there. Who aren't cheap. But they shop elsewhere. I don't know. I'm no retail genius by any means, but I am an observant type. For example, I observed that the line for the express check outs was WAY too long for me to endure. About a mile down the store, was a regular check out with only one woman, an ugly one at that, with a whack of stuff but not overly so. I slid in behind her. Things seemed to be going ok. People were slipping in behind me. I was feeling pretty smug over my wise choice of escape. Then it happened. After the cashier, an ugly one at that, had processed her 46 items, the customer suddenly whipped out a fist full of store coupons. FUCK! Not only that, half of them were expired. And the cashier had to manually enter the other half as they wouldn't scan for some reason. My plan was going to shit. The people in the express line were half way home while I stood behind this idiot with her expired coupons. Idiot glanced at me. I expected her to look downcast and apologise or something. Nooooo.. Instead she gave me a penis shrivelling look as if every shitty thing in her life was MY fault. Idiot then decided she could not afford all of the items which she had purchased, and began to figure out which ones to jettison. I had a line behind me. I was trapped. I felt like crying. Picking up a small pack of gum, I kept it hidden in my hand until the opportunity to slip it into her coat pocket arose. They were still searching her at the door as I left.

Monday rants

2012-01-02T11:35:00.000-05:00

So. The first Monday of the new year. And what does it bring me? Grief. For several reasons. For one thing, its cold as fuck out there and supposed to drop down to like, minus 23 tonight. Not a good night for outdoor sex for any of you who might be thinking along those lines. Already my furnace is blasting full tilt, spewing expensive heat through the poorly insulated walls and windows. But I don't give a shit. Tonight I will be snug like bug in my new quiet upstairs bedroom, space heater gurgling beside me. As I continue to sleep in that goofy upright position waiting for my ribs to heal. At least my car started so it was off to the grocery store where unfortunately, I had to pass the line of coffee zombies lining up at the Tim Horton's Drive Through. Lazy bastards. There must have been 50 cars in that line. I thought it was a funeral. Working the drive through window must suck. Bending and twisting, non stop, with wintry blasts hitting you in the face every 5 seconds while you serve assholes who wouldn't care if you dropped dead, as long as they got their coffee first. The stock market is closed today which pisses me off. However, this means that I am unable to lose money today, so it might in fact be a blessing. And lose money I have. Looking back on last year, I lost more than 57% of my portfolio value, which incidentally was already down from the year previous. Playing the market used to be easy. I was earning a decent living at it. And what a job! You can sit in your bath robe drinking beer and make money. Whats not to like? No commute. No asshole boss or irritating coworkers. Surf porn between trades. Blog. But things are getting shitty. It's damn near impossible to pick a winning stock as they are all losing. Stocks that should be outperforming with gusto are languishing. WTF? I have a couple of stocks in my portfolio that have dropped a whopping 75%. But I won't sell. I'm too stubborn. At this point, why sell? If they crash all the way, so be it. There is a good chance they will recover if I continue to hold them. Besides, every single fucking time I sell a stock, it rises. So I'm sitting on these eggs waiting for them to hatch. All this talk of stocks has bored me. I'm going out for a lottery ticket..

Starting the year off with a bang..

2012-01-01T12:00:00.000-05:00

Welcome 2012! Headlines in Toronto today? TORONTO'S FIRST HOMICIDE. A black guy. I was shocked. SHOCKED I tell you! But the cops like this time of year as the list of unsolved year to date is quite small. And the guy that got croaked? Well, that's kinda handy too as it allows the cops to clear a whack of last years crimes off the list too. So the system works quite well. But what about the long gun registry that is being scrapped? The registry that costs us billions of dollars? Eh? I think they should keep it. Why, I can't tell you how often I see criminals walking around downtown with deer rifles. I say keep the registry. The cops should spend their time harassing legal long gun owners rather than pursuing the black guys packing heat. But that's just my opinion. But back to 2012. I'm happy to report my first dump of the new year. And it was a beauty. Hopefully, this bodes well for the rest of the year. I'm actually kinda excited by this. A positive sign. Not only that, my hangover is no where near as bad as I thought it would be. Yet. So what to do on new years day? Well, there isn't much. I might go out in search of fast food lovingly prepared by drunk, hungover teens. Mmmmm...

So it's New Years

2011-12-31T07:21:00.000-05:00

At this time of year, one is expected to reflect upon the year gone past. So I reflected. While I was sitting on my American Standard Dual Flush screaming in agony desperately trying to bring an end to a prolonged bout of constipation. How was my year? Shitty. But not unlike any other year. I just don't know how I remain so upbeat and positive. A lot of people make resolutions at this time of year. I rarely bother, but this year I might simply resolve to get happier. I'm not sure how I will accomplish that, perhaps more drinking will be required. Or masturbation. But you can only do so much of that, so I will need to expand my thinking on this. Ironically, going into the new year with busted ribs is a plus in that when they heal, I'll certainly be in a better frame of mind. This is when I will carry that momentum through into what ever endeavour I have embarked on in an effort to crawl out from this rut that I have dug. It won't be easy. I don't know why I was put on this earth to suffer. Perhaps I am suffering for YOUR sins. Bastards. Has my life been preordained? Was I born to Blog? Fuck. It wouldn't take much to make me happy either. A steady job would be a nice start. A nice girl. Maybe a cat. I don't ask for much. And nor do I get much. Except grief of course. I order that by the train load. A lottery win would be nice of course, and I do try. Hell, even if my stocks climbed a bit I would be happier. Which makes me wonder what 2012 will be like on the stock market. Same shit? Worse? I only have one prediction, and that will be Iran mixing it up with Israel. Or all of their neighbours. Or the U.S. Doesn't really matter, it will be ugly. But at least my oil stocks should climb. Maybe..

Wait a minute!!!

2011-12-28T14:45:00.000-05:00

Let me get this straight.. The guy has a whack of Ford Fiestas he can't get rid of. So, he offers one free with purchase of a pick up? That is fucking ingenious! Customer pays full tariff for the F-150. No discounts, rebates etc. Customer also pays freight, license, dealer prep, etc etc etc. The FREE Fiesta is indeed free. PLUS freight, taxes, dealer prep, etc, blah blah blah. I LOVE IT!!!

General ranting ( con't )

2011-12-28T12:12:00.000-05:00

How the day changes. This morning, all my stocks were in the GREEN. I was happy. The sun was out. I was happy. If it wasn't -20 out there, I'm betting the birds would be singing too. Getting away from my computer to do some light housekeeping, I was reasonably happy. Except the vacuuming part. THAT hurt. Making myself a nice cup of tea, I settled in to check my stock accounts. Everything now was in the RED. Two hours earlier all was GREEN. Now it is RED. Like a fucking traffic light. I'm pissed off. Why do I subject myself to this bullshit? But I'm trying to be more positive in general. The trading day still has four hours left..

General ranting

2011-12-28T11:33:00.000-05:00

So I'm at the Beer Store, feeling pretty good because it is quiet in there. I got beer today because I am what you call proactive. A visionary of sorts, unlike the donkeys that will be lining up like, um, donkeys later in the week due to New Years. Anyway, my good feeling of course turned to shit as there was some spaced out broad in front of me with 5000 wine bottles to return. Yes, for reasons unknown, the beer stores accept wine bottles for recycling, meaning that they end up in landfill anyway but take a more scenic route to get there. Doesn't she want some beer. Hmmmm.. What shall I get? Fuck. Finally she selects some horrible swill. Then, with the refund from her wine bottles her amount due was only $2.25. What does she do? C'mon, guess. This gets worse. My ribs were aching and I had to take a dump. Headache too. Well, she fucks up her PIN number. Tries again. Declined. Tries her Visa card. Fucks up her PIN number. Declined. I was just about to pay the fucking $2.25 for her when suddenly she thinks of looking in her purse. Duh. THEN, she has the audacity to ask for a carry out of her case of 24. Listen. If this broad can haul around that fat ass, she can fucking damn well carry 24 beers. Fuck! After the Beer Store ordeal, I was driving home listening to the radio when a car commercial came on. Get this. There is a dealership offering a FREE Ford Fiesta with every F Series pick up truck you buy. I mean it! Hey honey, I hope you like your new car.. Got it special for you.. Holy shit. This means one of the following, or perhaps all of the following. 1 The dealer has a shit load of Fiestas on his lot and more on the way cuz he fucked up his order. 2 Fiestas are really cheap. 3 F Series mark ups are really high. I gotta admit, this scheme will probably clear his lot. And the divorce rate will take a sudden jump..

Boxing Day rant

2011-12-26T15:19:00.000-05:00

What a fucking joke! Out I went this morning after a shitty nights sleep to get a few groceries. Ya, right. I tried 3 grocery stores and they were closed. Yet you can buy a 52" Plasma TV or car shaking stereo, but not groceries. WTF??? Pissed off, I headed over to Mac's Milk, which is in the same plaza as an Audio 2000 store. There were about 5 people in the store, and some donkey standing outside freezing as the security guard they had hired for their big boxing day event wouldn't let him in. Cuz of the crowd inside you see. I'll tell ya, If that were me I would fan out dozens upon dozens of $100 bills and hold them against the window. Then wave goodbye. Fucking assholes. Bite me. But at least the Chinese food restaurant was open where I loaded up on my fave, curried chicken. Colon friendly curry, yessiree. But they always toss in one of those gross frozen egg rolls containing God only knows what, which I then toss out. And I like the young Chinese girl that works there. So cute. And pleasant. And quiet. No tits, but I'm willing to overlook that. But back to my shitty sleep. Why? Well, I'll tell you something about broken ribs. They take forever to heal. And every time they do start to heal, I fucking guarantee that you will make a small move, or cough which will send your healing process backwards again. Even a good fart can do it. Trust me. So you have to try to think of every move before you make it. And move slow, so that if you do fuck up, at least it won't be a rapid speed, thereby lessening the damage. Hopefully. Here's something else. Pain killers cause constipation. Constipation causes you to sit on the can and grunt. This can actually re break your rib, or at least cause you unbelievable grief. It is truly a cruel and vicious cycle. That's it for now. Gotta go grunt..

Message from the Queen

2011-12-25T12:45:00.000-05:00

Thank you once again John, for the use of your forum to address the masses. For we Christians, this is a very special time of year. A time where we spew forth pompous sanctimony and take shots at Atheists and Muslims alike. I for one am grateful for the opportunity to address you this year as every year the book makers continue to raise my odds. It has been a difficult year, mainly due to those assholes in Greece, France and Italy. Only Britain stands head and shoulders above the financial and moral turmoil abundant in the afore mentioned Countries. And lets not forget Ireland. Or those fucking Germans.. We welcome you to join us in praying for a prosperous new year, one where we can reflect upon the joy of family and friends. And perhaps knock a couple more dictators off. Particularly for you John, I sincerely hope that the new year brings you much deserved joy. I leave you now to spend time with family and loved ones. Thank-you.

A Christmas message from our sponsor

2011-12-25T12:20:00.000-05:00

Finally..

2011-12-24T13:30:00.000-05:00

A good nights sleep. How did I manage that? Beer. And not even a boat load of it either as I drank less than what I would normally on a poker night. Then again, I crashed pretty early as the beer was really making me tired. But what a sleep.. This was the first night I have had anywhere near a full nights sleep in about 2 weeks, or whenever I busted my ribs. Sure I was a bit hung over this morning, but I didn't care. I had about 7 hours of sleep. A miracle. Not only that, I awoke to find yummy home made Christmas cookies in my kitchen, no doubt compliments of Chickie across the street. So I was delighted. Suddenly Christmas didn't suck as much. My big plans for Christmas eve? Staying in. Not a fucking chance I'm driving around with the lunatics today. I bought some smelly bath salts and plan a nice hot bath.. Perhaps while eating cookies..

OMG!!!

2011-12-22T12:41:00.000-05:00

Holy shit! I had something in my eye this morning causing me to get up close to the mirror to check it out. I was shocked. SHOCKED, I tell you! Under my eyes are dark circles. Bags. Dark circular fucking bags! I have NEVER seen this before, probably because of my great passion for sleeping. But I ain't sleeping well since I busted my ribs and stuff. Horrible sleeps, if you can even call them sleeps. I'm lucky to have an adjustable bed to use or I would be getting no sleep at all. But back to my bags. I'm not happy about this. I've devised an action plan. I will attempt to nap several times during the day to try and make up for my nighttime sleep losses. The back bedroom is super quiet,so it might just be possible. What a difference from the front facing bedroom where all you hear is non stop traffic and dick heads laying on their horns. Thanks to my neighbors, Sharon and Scott, my beer pick up dilemma was resolved. That was good of them. I gotta quit pissing in their yard. Last night I thought I would sleep like a baby as I got me some codeine heavy pain killers complete with muscle relaxants and sleep aid. Everything I need in one gigantic pill. But it was a shitty night as I had weird drug induced dreams that scared even me. So I don't know what to do. I guess if I get exhausted enough, sleep will happen. It's just a matter of getting my ass in bed and adjusting that thing for maximum comfort. But pissing is a problem. Getting up to pee all the time involves pain. And I am getting up a lot as the drugs make me very thirsty. So you just can't win. Again though, on the positive side is that quiet bedroom. Being Winter, the goof behind me has run out of noise making ideas for his back yard. Please.. Let me heal before Spring...

Oh Johnnie..

2011-12-21T13:14:00.000-05:00

Who is that dame

Who calls me lame

What's her game

Cuz it's a shame...

I do my best

I don't take rest

But that bitch

Calls me lame

fa la la...

But I don't care

My looks don't scare

And I am rich

Unlike that bitch

fa la la...

Dance moves

2011-12-20T09:58:00.000-05:00

So I was watching a Justin Bieber video looking for material. You have no idea how I suffer in order to bring you this blog. But do you give a shit? No. Jesus Christ. I bust my ass and it's not good enough. What do you want from me??? Bastards. Where was I? Oh ya.. So I'm watching this kid sensation sing and dance. He's jumping around, twitching and contorting. WTF??? Hey Justin.. Read the label! Apply freely to affected area to reduce itching. BEFORE the show, ok? Christ. Good thing he has a head mike on as I'm not sure I would want to watch him with something phallic in front of his face. But all these young stars dance alike. Kind of a mixture of disco, Mo-Town and, um, gay. I guess his voice isn't that bad, but I would hate to listen to him for an extended period, say more than one song. But the kid's rich. Without getting his head bashed in on the ice. So I give him credit for that. I'm thinking he has a real good agent. An agent who scores 10% of gross. No wonder he works hard. If you want a really good laugh, watch one of his videos with the sound muted. Too funny! But I shouldn't be criticizing other people's dancing. Anyone who has ever witnessed ME dance, and lived, is probably still in hysterics. Thank God camera phones and social media weren't around in those days..

Shopping torture

2011-12-19T16:05:00.000-05:00

You know when you have bruised or broken ribs, or any injury for that matter, how you feel quite paranoid about anyone running into you? Or hugging you? Or poking you? I mean, I'm like that without injury. So this morning, against my will, I found myself at the grocery store. Being the week before Christmas, the usual freaked out zombies were whipped into an even higher state of.. Of whatever the hell it is that they suffer from. I just wanted to get my fucking salad stuff and get the hell out of there, back to the safety ( ya, right ) of my house. Heading down the vegetable aisle, I was acutely aware of my surroundings. I heard her before I saw her, but only because her cart had a squeaky wheel. She was moving fast, bearing down directly upon me. There was a little red dot centered perfectly on my rib cage. She did not plan to miss. Oblivious to the pain it would cause, I leaped out of the way with nanoseconds to spare. Standing in line at the check out, the dancer in front of me started his backward waltz, elbows wildly flailing like a hockey defence man. Again, I was able to dodge the assault. Before walking across the parking lot, I looked both ways. Twice. I looked up as well. I was taking no chances. Safely back in my car, or so I thought, I was busy scanning my surroundings for threats. So busy that I forgot about the gigantic speed bump those assholes had installed in their lot. My rib cage had moved upwards about 4 inches and was on it's way back down before the pain even registered as I let out a primal scream shocking anyone within earshot. But all this is neither here nor there. The problem I am working on right now is how to carry my beer out to the car on Friday, should I be feeling well enough to drink again. A 24 isn't that heavy really, but at this point it hurts to pick up my underwear. I'll figure something out. But there is NO WAY I will ask for a carry out. NO WAY!

Now you know..

2011-12-19T12:54:00.000-05:00

Hey John...

2011-12-19T12:00:00.000-05:00

I regret not having the chance to tell you this when I was alive.. Your Blog sucks.

Busted ribs?

2011-12-19T11:56:00.000-05:00

I've never had them..